Hello everyone, and welcome to the space formerly known as my blog. Ha ha, just kidding–it’s still my blog, although it may have looked more like a ghost town for the past month and a half. (Eek! How could it have possibly been that long?! They say time flies, and seriously folks, that is NOT just a saying!) It’s been a pretty emotional time, even while it seems like it has been uneventful. Let me start by saying that it’s all my fault–I definitely COULD have found time to write a post or two, but it’s like any other kind of writing… Once you let up on it even a little, it gets harder and harder to go back. So I let it slide, and trust me, I am just guilty as all heck.
Although my blog isn’t the only aspect of my life that has been shoved to the wayside, so try not to feel TOO jilted.
As I mentioned, I became a manager at my job, and started working 40+ hours a week for the first time in my life. I know, I know–adulthood and all that–but it’s been very hard for me to adapt to. My lifestyle just does not naturally fall into the realm of being a good 9-to-5er. I’m not that kind of person. And I’d like to point out that working that many hours a week is different if you have a sitting job versus a standing job. I’ve often said that the hours wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for standing during all of them and wishing I could chop off my own feet at the end of the day and be done with it. (Did I mention I’m extremely flat-footed? Yeah, no padding there at all. Thanks, genetics.)
But by far the most exhausting part of it all has been mental. I used to consider myself a pessimistic loner who didn’t get along well with people, but then again, I mostly came to that conclusion when I was an angsty teenager. (And what teenager ISN’T convinced that they are absolutely alone in the world?) I’ve since realized I am the complete OPPOSITE of that–I am a hugely social creature, enjoy talking to and meeting new people, and am, for the most part, pretty optimistic as a whole. But this job has strained pretty much every aspect of that. I like my work well enough. I usually love the people I work with. (Except the days when I’m expected to play referee to women 3x my age who are acting like children.) But the sheer volume of talking, thinking, problem-solving, and defusing I have to do on a daily basis is what really reminds me why I said I would never want to be a REAL manager.
Let’s just say that for someone who dislikes conflict to the degree that I do, whose entire day is (or at least used to be) ruined when someone is angry at them, I spend a disproportionate amount of my time being yelled at for things that really aren’t my fault, my problem, or have anything to do with me.
Sorry, sorry. I really didn’t mean for this to turn into a post about work!! (But it’s understandable, since I spend a majority of my time there, I guess.) The point was just that my mood has been kind of unstable at best. I expend all of my mental energy at work and have very little left for anything else.
Which is where the other source of my ulcers comes in–my ongoing battle to get to Korea some time this century.
If you’ll recall, I’ve been involved for many months now in trying to teach English as a second language over in South Korea. I’ve done a couple of posts about it, and also would like to do a future post on the TEFL course I just finished–but that’s for another time. For now, just know that I made a LOT of mistakes, did things I would have done differently if I could go back–all of which resulted in driving myself to tears by creating deadlines I needed God’s help to meet. (I’m not even being specific here–I was welcoming any and all Gods there for a while, when I thought there was no way in Hell.)
Basically, I actually trusted the government to do something on time and, low and behold, I STILL haven’t received the background check I requested from them at the beginning of SEPTEMBER. So jump to a day or two after Thanksgiving, when I get an e-mail from Canadian Connection telling me that if I wanted a snowball’s chance in Hell of getting a position, I needed to have all my paperwork in by the 15th. Of December. Yeah, yesterday. This was just peachy, since at the time I was still missing one GIANT piece of the puzzle–one that, even once I had it, needed to be sent TO WASHINGTON D.C. and back to me, THEN to Canada.
I figured then that I was SOL, but decided to give it a try anyway. So I took off work and drove myself back down to Columbus to pay 150$ for an expedited background check–something I should have done from the start, although I was trying to save money–and sent it off with one-day shipping. No problem. It got there, and it seemed I might even have time to spare, until… No such luck. The post office LOSES the dang thing for two days on the way back to my house. Panic sets in again. (This happened on the 10th, which was SUPPOSED to be my birthday dinner–so I got to spend most of that day crying in the shower and pretending I was having a good time when really my insides felt like they were trying to escape through my throat.) Finally got the stupid thing and sent it out via UPS for an EXORBITANT sum of money on the 11th.
Has it arrived? As of writing this, I still have no clue. I haven’t heard anything from them, although UPS says it’s been delivered. Right now I can only hope that nothing got lost in transit, and that in my panic-fueled state of mind I didn’t somehow manage to mess something up or forget something important. I’ve gone over the list a million times, but that doesn’t mean squat.
The fact is that I just don’t think I can take the thought of staying here in my parents house, working at this retail job, for another 8 months. (Or the time it would be before I could re-apply.) Going nowhere. Not really being able to commit myself to anything because my plan is to leave the country. It’s hard, you know? Sure, this endeavor has pretty much consumed my entire life–or what’s left of it after work–but at least it’s a goal.
So I turned 24 a couple of days ago. There wasn’t much fanfare–I had to work the whole day–but actually, on the whole, it was a pretty nice one. I have actually had worse. And the people at work were incredibly sweet–the people from my regular department bought me a cookie cake, some wandering carolers sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to me, I got glitter tattoos, my face painted, AND a reindeer hat made out of balloons. (We had a kids event that day.) Pretty much everyone there gave me a hug.
Like I said, most days the people I work with are pretty awesome.
I go between thinking that 24 isn’t so bad to feeling like half of my life is over, but it depends on the day and my over-all mood. I guess everyone feels like that at one point or another.
Wow, this post turned out much longer and more rambly than I had intended–but then, they all sort of do that on me. I’m a long-winded person in my most natural form–especially when you give me a keyboard. I apologize. And if you’ve made it this far, (probably just you, Michelle,) I appreciate it. 🙂 Really.
As far as creative endeavors are concerned, I really do just suck. I haven’t read a book for months. I haven’t edited a chapter of my story in about as long. I did write something, but it was pretty awful–and while I HAVE drawn a couple pages of my comic, even that is languishing. I apologize again. If I could bow to everyone and beg forgiveness, I would. But that’s mostly because I want to beg myself for forgiveness. I know that there are only so many hours, but I also know that I use a lot of them for silly things. Korean dramas. Sleep. Things I could theoretically do without. Things REAL artists go without all the time to Create and Make. Maybe I’m just not dedicated enough? Hmm. Well, more on that another time I guess.
So. Just know that I am alive and (questionably) well, here on my side of the internet. I hope to see you more often in the coming year, and post at least a few more things before this one is over.
Then it will be time for resolutions, and we all know how THOSE go. But a girl’s gotta dream, right??