How Celeste Got Her Groove Back

First off–I think I drank my weight in coffee today. @_@  You remember that whole ‘writerly image’ I talked about?  Yeah, well, it’s probably going to kill me… or at least my stomach lining.  Urp.  I just kept drinking, and they just kept refilling my cup.  The whole table was littered with empty creamer cartons and packets of sweet’n’low.  I don’t even want to think about it, or the coffee is going to be making a return visit.  No  self control, I tell you. =x=  Urgh.

BUT THAT IS A PROBLEM FOR A DIFFERENT DAY.

This post, which I intended to put up earlier but forgot that where I was writing didn’t have wifi, is to talk about how, so far, I’ve been doing great.

stellgroove

Better than great–I’ve been killing it.  And feeling good doing it.  Which is, honestly, a first for me.

I know this might sound terrible, or blasphemous, or whatever, but I didn’t always plan on being a writer.  I DID grow up inventing stories, writing out plays that I forced my sister and cousins to perform, and generally devouring all reading materials I could get my hands on, but never in that time did I think, yeah, this is what I’m meant to do.  It was just fun, and everybody knows you can’t make a career out of doing something FUN… right?

Then, sometime in high school, I’m not even really sure WHEN, I discovered writing again.  Writing for its own sake, writing to create stories, not just the writing you do to make it through school.  Until that point I had dabbled in fanfiction sprung from an anime/manga obsession, but HS was when I started coming up with my own stories.  Writing still didn’t seem like it could be the GOAL, but I realized that I could try to work as closely to it as possible–hence going to college with the aim of becoming an Editor.

College is where I really started to trust my instincts, although it was a long an arduous road.  I still didn’t seem to have the will to FINISH anything, at least nothing more complicated than a short story for class.  But the response was a good one, and, surrounded by like-minded people and a creative vibe, I saw myself more as a writer–and the writer I could be.  And I wanted it more and more.

Obviously that dream finally came to fruition recently, as you all know.  I finished Life of Gaia, and I truly believe it was a turning point for me.  Until then, any dreams I had of being a writer were blocked by my mental uncertainties, the idea that I couldn’t even begin to hope to be a writer unless I could actually FINISH a project.  So I finished one, and those mental blocks came crumbling down in the wake of my success.

I actually did it.

The world was my oyster.

So lately I’ve noticed a HUGE difference in my approach to my writing.  Before, I used to have to bully myself into sitting down to write.  Every session was a struggle–not the writing itself, but the finding time.  Although I had nothing but free time CONSTANTLY, writing was the last thing I ever seemed to want to do.  And I think it’s because I was scared.  Scared that it would be bad, scared I would never finish, scared the ONE DREAM I ever wanted to accomplish was just something out of my reach.  Although the act of writing was something I enjoyed immensely, it never seemed to happen.  Maybe I was even afraid that if I wrote too much, it would turn out to be like the tae-kwon-do lessons, or the gymnastics, or the soccer, or any of the other billions of things I’d tried in my life–not for me.  Then where would I be?

A person without a dream, afloat on a sea of having no idea what I wanted to do with my life.

But finishing LoG has changed EVERYTHING.  I found my discipline.  I found my passion.  I found myself WANTING to write; looking forward to it on my days off like a kid waiting for Christmas.  I still feel that way.  I wake up on time, sometimes EARLY, on days that I know I’m going out to write.  Although I still waste a little bit of time on social media, I’ve gotten LOADS of work done the past few weeks; much more than I ever did before.  I don’t have a giant lead on Nanowrimo, like I have some years, but I am doggedly keeping up with my word count in a way that makes me think I could actually finish it this time.  After all, whats the point of having 25k on day 3 when you don’t write a single thing the rest of the month?

Part of that is the discovery of the beautiful, wonderful, arduous insanity that is editing.  I thought I would hate editing, but we have formed a tentative relationship.  I’d never really EDITED anything before, having never gotten far enough that it really mattered.  But editing post-book has taught me an important lesson: write anything you want the first go-around, because it’s ALL GOING TO CHANGE LATER ANYWAY.  I was so focused on perfection before that it held me back creatively.

But perfection is for the 6th or 7th draft.  Horrific, spur-of-the-moment, seat-of-your-pants craziness is for the 1st.  🙂

This from a movie about a lady so obsessed with perfection she goes nuts.. BUT YOU GET THE IDEA.

So I think I have entered the first Golden Age of my writing.  I have a routine that seems to be working, built around a job that I have because I can’t, as yet, support myself on my writing alone.  But the two are co-existing well enough, and I’m on my way to having a physical book, THAT I WROTE, in my hands.

And you know what?  It feels just right. 🙂

Celeste

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2 thoughts on “How Celeste Got Her Groove Back

  1. I used to have the same fear of telling people that I haven’t always lived my life with the desire to be a published author. It sounds awful. Like you’re not a true artist unless it’s the only thing you’ve ever wanted. But historically, a lot of the classic writers were never writers to begin with! So many of our notable authors then and now didn’t start out wanting a career in writing which means that if they didn’t always know, who says we have to?

    I’m glad things are going good for you. It’s good to know that there does seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel, a reward for all the caffeine damage we’ve done to our systems. xD

    • I know!! Like that somehow invalidates the dream now. But writing is like anything else–you have to be at the right place, the right time, and exposed to it properly. Lots of people stumble across their passions when they aren’t looking. Know that you want to write when you fall out of the womb? GOOD FOR YOU! But some of us have to work to get there first. xD

      And oh god, I had SO MUCH COFFEE that day… I think it scarred me. Like the idea of making a kid smoke like a billion cigarettes to get them to never want to smoke again? I don’t actually think that works, but dang, I don’t think I’ll drink another cup of coffee for awhile. Blegh.

      BUT YEAH. Here’s hoping it’ll all be worth it. :))
      (I know it will.)

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