aaaaand I don’t think it’s the most flattering quality that I possess. >:I Bleh. I hate character flaws–at least when they’re mine! I don’t care if they make me more well-rounded and 3D! I’m real enough as it is! (Pokes her very three-dimensional body.)
I guess the thing I’m getting at is, I’ve realized that when other people are around, I suddenly get kind of stupid. I don’t know what it is. Not like, about everyday things necessarily, but about skills, jobs, etc. When I’m alone, I can perform them perfectly fine. As soon as anyone of any importance is watching, however, I regress to an idiot novice that can’t remember what the heck she’s doing.
And I’m not sure at all why, or how I can stop.
Here’s an example–driving. I’m a perfectly good driver. I’ve never been in an accident, never killed anyone, and I’ve been driving for 6 years, no problem. I can blow through country roads, windows down, radio blaring–actually, that’s one of my favorite pastimes–without batting an eye. But you put my MOTHER in the car with me? Suddenly I’m second-guessing every decision I make. Am I slowing down smoothly enough? Did I take that curve right? Why is she clutching at the door handle like that? And just like that, I might as well be sixteen again trying to learn not to pull out in front of semi trucks.
Or at work, where this is more pronounced. I mean, I’m relatively new–two and a half months or so coming up–so I know how to run the cash registers through their normal paces. Sure, sometimes things out of the ordinary pop up and I have to call a manager, but generally speaking I work like 8 hours a day on these things without issue. BUT, have a manager or one of my co-workers come over to the desk, and there I go. Suddenly, for some reason, they’re walking me through basic things, or my brain stutters like my sister’s car on the highway, not sure if it’s going to get past 50 mph. I’m like, ‘Oh, right, coupon, yeah.’ Durrr. And it’s so annoying.
But like I said, I’m not sure what the deal is.
Do I just have no confidence in what I’m doing? Do I feel the need to be subservient, going so far as to act totally clueless just to make them feel useful? Am I scared of being competent? I DON’T KNOW, and it’s driving me nuts. Because who’s going to promote someone who seems like she has no idea what’s going on every time they walk by?
Perhaps it’s my fear of doing things wrong. I mean, somewhere mentally I KNOW I’m going to mess up–it happens. But I guess maybe I don’t want to seem like I know everything and THEN mess up…? Urgh. This is why we pay other people to diagnose our idiosyncrasies–because you’ll go around in circles trying to diagnose yourself. I know, I know, this has nothing whatsoever to do with writing. I just thought I’d post this to reinforce the fact that I am indeed a hopeless real person over here, you know?
(Plus if anyone has any ideas, I’m all ears!)
On other news, one, I have a day off of work tomorrow, so I think I’m going to do a One Day Write (read the first here if you have no idea what that is.) If I do it properly, I should be totally finished with my draft of LOG/SLOG–yay! Trust me, you’ll know–a post full of exclamation points and colored text will accompany that accomplishment. Michelle said I have to finish, or I sell my soul… or something like that. I don’t remember the exact wording, but it sounded menacing, so I better get my butt in gear!
Second, I have my Kindle Cloud on my NEW smartphone, so I’m going to start downloading some interesting-sounding e-books and reviewing them on here. Not only should that generate some pageviews and visits, but I’ll be getting other writers’ names out there and have content for my blog–a win/win if you ask me! (Plus I’m always needing something to read, so.) Go easy on me–I’ve never reviewed books as such before, so bear with me while I figure it out.
THIRD, if I’m more of a glutton for punishment, or if I’m sitting around bored with everyone back in school (much more likely,) I might start doing some fashion stuff on here–as in, like, outfits of the day, plus-size fashion tips, etc. Hey. Technically this blog is about me and my writing, but who ever said that had to be ALL I post? I like fashion, I work in the fashion industry, I’m plus-sized, and I wear clothes. I figure one or two posts a month about my wardrobe won’t kill any of you. 😉 Now I just have to shave my legs, bleh…
ALL RIGHT, well, thanks for all your patience! I’ll see you again real soon, I hope. ❤
The Crazy Celeste
PS – I was totally too lazy to find appropriate-looking pictures, so I just stuck in some fun stuff I saw on Facebook today. SORRY.