So, you probably noticed I haven’t posted in a bit, right? Sorry about that. I could say it was because of work, or the holiday (Happy Fourth of July, by the way!) or even just because I don’t have anything going on to write about, but the truth is pretty much the same as every other time I don’t post for awhile.
I made a deadline for myself, aaaaand I failed at it.
I don’t know WHY I make these deadlines. I mean, it’s not like anyone is desperately waiting for this book. I’m not on contract, I don’t have any commitments I’m breaking. (Except to myself.) So why do I set them when I know I’m just going to break them? My writing isn’t something I do on a set schedule. Maybe someday I will be self-disciplined enough, like the pros, to write 2000 words a day like clockwork. But that’s just not me yet.
Maybe a part of it is that I’m scared if I DON’T try to scare myself into coercion, I’ll never finish. Which, granted, is a valid concern–or it was six months ago, when I had never gotten further than 2 or 3 chapters into something. But I think trying to rope myself in this way is counter-productive now. I got this far somehow–and it sure as heck wasn’t by deadlines or threatening myself. (Because let’s face it, I can always call my own bluffs, and then I just feel douchey for failing.) I did it because it was TIME for me to do it. And I know that I’m going to finish this book, one way or another, whether or not it’s in the time-frame I originally wanted. As I get better, maybe I’ll reach the point where I can call how long it’ll take. But that point is not now.
So! For anyone who was wondering, I am relatively close–but the problem is that what I think will be a short scene ends up being 4k words. My novel expands as I write it, which makes it reaaaaally hard to pin down. (Which is part of the problem.) Looking at it, even knowing I had to work, I really thought I would finish by July. And then I sat down to write it, and I wrote…and wrote… and wrote. And it was like walking on a treadmill. I was getting SOMETHING accomplished, yet I didn’t seem to be getting anywhere at all, and there are still like 2 1/2 chapters. (I know it seems like every time I post about my progress I have like 2 or 3 chapters left, but THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYING. IT’S CRAZY.)
The point, I suppose, is that for the moment being I’m throwing out deadlines. (Except Nanowrimo in November, because that’s the fun of it–trying for that 50k in 30 days.) Perhaps someday I will get good enough, fast enough, have enough grip over my own writing to know when I’ll be done, how much time it’ll take, etc. You guys will definitely be the first to know. In the meantime, I’m going to stop being guilty, which starts by NOT putting pressure on myself. (Except to blog. I will keep doing that if it kills me, because PLATFORM DAMNIT.)
You and I both know that Life of Gaia will be done soon. At least, I hope you believe in me, even if you can’t believe in my deadlines. And you know that there is no place better than here to find out the very SECOND I am done, because yeah. You guys are awesome. 🙂
But it’ll be done when it’s done, and not a second before.